Is it necessary for a person to repent of the sin(s) they have committed against me before I forgive them? Or is forgiveness unconditional? Is forgiveness an obligation we have even if the offender does not believe they have sinned against us and show no signs of repentance?

I wish I could tell you there is an easy answer that covers every possible situation, but that would not be true. There are texts in Scripture where repentance is clearly mentioned, the most explicit and well-known being the words of Jesus in Luke 17:3-4 – “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

Clearly, if the offending person repents, we must forgive them. But what if they don’t repent? Nothing is said about that. Jesus doesn’t even say, “if they do not repent, you may forgive them, but then again you have the freedom not to forgive.”

Those who insist that forgiveness is conditional, that is, it is dependent on the individual who sinned against you to repent before you forgive, also point to how God has forgiven us. God forgives us of our sins when we repent of them and put faith in Jesus. Since Paul, here in Ephesians 4, says that we are to imitate God when we forgive someone, or we are to forgive “as God in Christ forgave you,” it would appear that he believed forgiveness was conditional, that it was suspended on the offending person first repenting. But if that is so, why doesn’t he mention repentance?

But then there are other texts where repentance is never mentioned, such as what Paul says in Colossians 3:13. This is why many insist that we are obligated to forgive at all times even if the person who offended us never repents.

I don’t have an easy answer to this question. But I do feel confident in saying a few things.

First, if the person who sinned against you repents, you must forgive them. That is quite clear.

Second, whether or not a person who sinned against you ever repents, you are still obligated to love them, bless them, and seek to do good to them. Jesus said this in the Sermon on the Mount: “But I say to you, ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:44). Paul picks up on this in Romans 12 where he writes: “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. . . ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (vv. 14, 20-21).

Third, this leads me to draw a distinction between internal forgiveness and external forgiveness. By “internal” forgiveness I mean your decision before God not to exact revenge or to retain in your heart bitterness and hatred toward the person. This happens when, by the power of the Spirit, your attitude toward the offender changes and turns from anger and a desire for revenge to one of love and prayer for them. You are choosing to release them from the punishment they justifiably deserve. You are refusing to let harsh feelings and bitterness toward that person remain in your heart. But all of this is done internally. You don’t have to say anything to them or announce it to the world.

The offending person is still your adversary when you do that. They have not asked for forgiveness, and they are convinced that they don’t need it. Still, we are to bless them, and that blessing means that our part of the internal forgiveness has happened. As John Piper has said, “The opposite of forgiveness is holding a grudge, but blessing is the opposite of holding a grudge, and so blessing is a kind of forgiving.”

Perhaps the best recent example of internal forgiveness is what we witnessed at the memorial service for Charlie Kirk. While the alleged murderer sits in a jail cell awaiting trial, he has shown no signs of repentance, nor has he confessed to the crime. And yet Erika Kirk, Charlie’s widow, with tears streaming down her face, refers to him and says, “I forgive him.”

External forgiveness, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter. It is when you explicitly say to them, “In addition to forgiving you internally, in my heart, I release you from any suffering that you might otherwise deserve for having sinned against me. I will not ask God to make you suffer for what you did. I will not seek to make you pay for the sins you committed against me. I will no longer hold your sin over your head and weaponize it against you. And I will labor in God’s grace that our relationship can be restored and that we can be reconciled to one another.”

My best guess is that internal forgiveness is unconditional. After all, why would you want to live the rest of your life with anger and bitterness and unforgiveness eating away at your soul? The person who sinned against you doesn’t have to do anything for you to forgive them internally, in your heart.

External forgiveness, on the other hand, is conditional. It can only be extended when the person truly repents of the sins they have committed against you. You are not required to trust them or to make it easy for them to sin against you again.

Internal forgiveness does not require that you attempt to reconcile with them. You may desire reconciliation, but you are under no obligation to try to make it happen. In fact, it may be dangerous for you to make that attempt, especially if they have proven themselves untrustworthy.

External forgiveness, on the other hand, is virtually synonymous with reconciliation. It happens when you and the offending person commit to rebuilding your relationship. But that will never happen until they repent. Trust won’t be restored instantly. It takes time.

One final question: what did Jesus mean when he said: “if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:14-15).

“From all this we are sobered to realize that no one is a true Christian, no one is born again and destined for heaven, who is an ungrateful, unforgiving person. Jesus would say, “You cannot genuinely receive my forgiveness and remain unforgiving.” You can’t (John Piper).

He continues:

“If the forgiveness that we received at the cost of the blood of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, is so ineffective in our hearts that we are bent on holding unforgiving grudges and bitterness against someone . . . we are not saved. We don’t cherish this forgiveness. We don’t trust in this forgiveness. We don’t embrace and treasure this forgiveness.

So, if your response to the sin(s) committed against you has deeply wounded your soul, leading you to think that you could never forgive the offending party, pause and meditate on the indescribable wounds inflicted on Jesus, which he willingly and lovingly endured in your place. As Piper asks, if that forgiveness secured for you by the blood of Jesus “is so ineffective in our hearts that we are bent on” withholding forgiveness and instead nurturing grudges and bitterness against those who’ve hurt us, we are not saved.