Complementarianism asserts that God has created both men and women (1) in his image, of equal value and dignity as human persons, but (2) with a distinction in the roles and responsibilities each is to fulfill in both church and home. Egalitarianism asserts that because men and women are morally and spiritually equal there can be no distinction in role or authority.

Complementarianism asserts that functional differences between men and women in church and home, as expressed in the biblical terms “headship” and “submission”, do not diminish or jeopardize their moral or spiritual equality. Therefore, complementarians, such as myself, believe that whereas women are equal with men in terms of personal value and dignity, only men may serve as Elders in the local church or in a position of senior governmental authority. Egalitarians believe that women can and should be ordained to any and all positions of authority and leadership in the body.

Complementarianism believes that submission to rightful authority, whether wives to husbands or children to parents or Christians to elders in the church or all citizens to the state is a noble and virtuous thing, that it is a privilege, a joy, something good and desirable and consistent with true freedom, and above all honoring and glorifying to God.

Last week we looked at what the Bible means when it describes men as the “head” of their wives. I did the best I could in identifying the many caricatures and misunderstandings of headship as well as in identifying the many positive features of what headship entails.

As for a definition: Headship is the divine calling upon a man to take primary responsibility to lead his wife and family into fullness of Christian maturity and to love them like Christ loves the Church.

So, if that is what headship means, what is submission? What does Paul mean in Ephesians 5 and in Colossians 3 and what does Peter mean here in chapter three when they speak of the submission of a wife to her husband?

The word "submission" (Gk., hupotassō) carries the implication of voluntary yieldedness to a recognized authority. Biblical submission is appropriate in several relational spheres: (1) the wife to her husband (Eph. 5:22-24); (2) children to their parents (Eph. 6:1); (3) believers to the elders of the church (Heb. 13:17; 1 Thess. 5:12); (4) citizens to the state (Rom. 13); (5) servants (employees) to their masters (employers) (1 Pt. 2:18); (6) each believer to every other believer in humble service (Eph. 5:21).

So what is a good definition? If headship is the divine calling upon a man to take primary responsibility to lead his wife and family into fullness of Christian maturity and to love them like Christ loves the Church, submission is the disposition or inclination or orientation of the heart to honor and affirm a husband's authority and an inclination or desire to yield to his leadership (Piper).

A. Misconceptions about the Nature of Submission

1. Submission is not grounded in any supposed superiority of the husband or inferiority of the wife. See Gal. 3:28; 1 Pt. 3:7.

The concept of the wife being the "helper" (Gen. 2:18-22) of the husband in no way implies her inferiority. In fact, the Hebrew word translated "helper" is often used in the OT to refer to God as the "helper" of mankind. Surely HE is not inferior to us! Rather, this passage means that (1) the husband, even before the fall into sin, was incomplete without his wife; (2) the husband will never reach his full potential apart from the input of his wife.

2. Submission does not mean a wife is obligated to follow should her husband lead her into sin.

The biblical principle that we owe obedience to God first and foremost applies to Christian wives as well. If there must be a choice between obedience to God and obedience to the state, God is to be obeyed (Acts 5:29). The same would apply in a marriage. However, don’t conclude from this, ladies, that you are free to decide for yourselves, based on your personal preferences, when you should and should not submit to your husband’s leadership. The wife’s submission is qualified by God’s commands as given in Scripture, not by her own opinions or desires.

3. Submission does not entail passivity. See Prov. 31. Note especially the emphasis on her initiative, creativity, tireless industry, etc. There is no biblically prescribed “personality” for wives, any more than there is one for husbands. Husbands who exercise godly leadership can be introverts and wives who submit can be extroverts.

4. Submission does not entail silence.

Many mistakenly think a wife is unsubmissive if she ever:

criticizes her husband (constructive criticism that is lovingly motivated and corrective in nature is not inconsistent with godly submission)

makes requests of her husband (in particular, that her husband and family act responsibly in private and public; submission of the wife is not an excuse for sin or sloth or sloppiness in the husband)

teaches her husband (cf. Prov. 31:26; Acts 18:26; it is not inconsistent with godly submission that a wife be more intelligent or more articulate than her husband; on a personal note, I’ve probably learned more from my wife than from any other living soul). Apply this to reading Scripture with the family (the husband says to the kids: “The Bible is critically important to us, so I’ve asked mom if she’d read it to us today.”

5. Submission does not mean that everything a wife does must be directly dependent upon or connected to her husband.

Submission does not mean the wife can never do anything for her own benefit or for the benefit of others or that she should never become involved in activities or ministries outside the home. See Prov. 31. "It does mean, however, that she ought never to do anything which would be detrimental or harmful to her husband or that would cause her to neglect her primary ministry of helping her husband [Prov. 31:12]" (Wayne Mack).

B. Identifying the Essence of Submission

1. Submission is the orientation of one’s heart or the disposition to honor and affirm a husband's authority and an inclination or desire to yield to his leadership. John Piper puts it this way:

"[Submission] is an attitude that says, 'I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love. I don't flourish when you are passive and I have to make sure the family works.' But the attitude of Christian submission also says, 'It grieves me when you venture into sinful acts and want to take me with you. You know I can't do that. I have no desire to resist you. On the contrary, I flourish most when I can respond creatively and joyfully to your lead; but I can't follow you into sin, as much as I love to honor your leadership in our marriage. Christ is my King.'"

2. Submission is fundamentally an attitude and act of obedience to the Lord Jesus Christ. See Eph. 5:22. It is the wife saying to her husband: “I yield to your leadership not because you are my Lord but because Jesus is. It is Christ’s desire that I follow your loving leadership and that is the preeminent reason why I am happy to do so.”

3. Submission is a commitment to support one's husband in such a way that he may reach his full potential as a man of God. This may involve several things:

making the home a safe place, free from the sinful influence of the world

striving to be dependable and trustworthy (Prov. 31:11-12)

providing affirmation and encouragement

building loyalty to him in the children (differences of opinion about discipline should be settled in private, away from the children, lest she be seen as taking sides against her husband)

showing confidence in his decisions

C. Submission when the Husband is an Unbeliever

Here in vv. 1-6 Peter addresses all women, but with special attention to those who are married to non-Christians. Peter is not suggesting it is ok for a Christian woman to marry a non-believer. He’s talking about a situation in which two non-Christians get married and the wife later comes to faith in Christ while her husband does not.

1. Submission does not mean she must agree with everything her husband says.

1 Pt. 3:1 indicates that she is a believer and he is not. Thus she disagrees with him on the most important principle of all: God! Her interpretation of ultimate reality may well be utterly different from his.

This indicates that submission is perfectly compatible with independent thinking. The woman in this passage has heard the gospel, assessed the claims of Christ, and embraced his atoning work as her only hope. Her husband has likewise heard the gospel and "disobeyed" it. "She thought for herself and she acted. And Peter does not tell her to retreat from that commitment" (Piper).

2. Submission does not mean giving up all hope that her husband will change.

The point of the passage is to tell a wife how she might "win" her husband to the Lord. Strangely enough, Peter envisions submission as the most effective strategy in changing the husband.

But note especially how this transformation of her unbelieving husband comes about. The husband is disobedient to “the Word,” that is to say, he disobeys the gospel. Peter’s phrase “without a word” means that the wife, in turn, chooses not to continually preach to him or badger him about his need for conversion but to let the beauty of her life and her pure conduct awaken his heart to the gospel. As the unbelieving husband watches, day in and day out, and observes the remarkable joy of his wife, the peace that dominates her life, the way she chooses to honor her husband even when he is mean and disrespectful, the Spirit uses this to awaken him to the gospel; as a means to stir his spirit to recognize that there is a transcendent power at work in her heart that gradually becomes attractive to him.

By the way, and I’m speaking now to women in attendance or who will listen to my message on the internet whose husbands never come to faith in Christ. Your responsibility to relate to them in the way Peter describes never ends. You can’t say, “Well, I’ll give it a shot for a year or so, but if he’s not saved by then I’m going to let him have it!” No.

The word translated in v. 2 as “respectful” is misleading. Literally the text reads: “when they see your conduct in fear,” that is to say, when unbelieving husbands take note of how you fear God, of how your life is governed by God’s desires and they see, day in and day out, how everything in your life is related to your reverence for the Lord, this says Peter may be used by the Spirit to win him to Christ.

I think this also explains Peter’s digression in vv. 3-4 where he talks about hair and jewelry and clothing. It may well be that some of the women thought that their outward beauty, their fashionable hairstyle, perhaps a really nice tan, would either make life easier on them at home or perhaps even help in winning their husbands to Christ. Although there is nothing wrong with outward beauty, don’t trust it, says Peter. Don’t rely on it or count on it to have the effect that you desire.

So, is Peter calling on all Christian women to forever do away with jewelry and makeup? Clearly not, for if we press his words literally women would be forbidden to wear any clothes at all! “Do not let your adorning be . . . the clothing you wear.” But obviously some clothing must be worn!

Clearly Peter is arguing against what is overdone, excessively expensive and ostentatious, and inconsistent with Christian modesty. He is not saying that women should deliberately try to appear plain and unappealing. He is warning against dressing seductively. The purpose of clothes, said Piper, is not to cause people to think about what is underneath the clothes. He is warning Christian women against excessive attention to what can be seen lest they become dependent upon it for their sense of identity and value and think that they can win their husbands to Christ merely by improving their physical beauty.

His point is that your focus and energy should not be primarily what is on the outside, as if your self-image and your identity as a woman were dependent on physical features or attractiveness. Rather your identity and your efforts and your value must be grounded in your inner beauty. Adorn your soul. Dress up your spirit. Devote time and attention to the improvement of your affections and will and heart. This is what God finds precious! This is of indescribable value to God. He cherishes your commitment in this regard.

In order to reinforce his point he appeals to godly women in the OT, particularly Sarah. They all exhibited precisely what he has called for in v. 4, namely, a preference for internal over external adornment and godly submission to their husbands.

What about Sarah’s calling Abraham “lord”? Peter is here alluding to Genesis 18:12 where Sarah expressed disbelief in God’s promise that she would bear a child; after all, she was barren and Abraham was old! The comment was a mere aside; she was talking to herself. There’s no indication that Abraham or anyone else was supposed to hear her say this. She honors him when no one is listening. And the word “lord” = sir, a term of respect, not an affirmation of divinity!

3. Submission does not mean putting the will of one's husband above the will of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Peter in no way suggests she should abandon her commitment to Christ simply because her husband is an unbeliever. This wife is a follower of Jesus before and above being a follower of her husband.

4. Submission to an unbelieving husband does not mean a wife gets her personal, spiritual strength from him.

When a husband's spiritual nurturing and leadership is lacking, a Christian wife is not left helpless. She is to be nurtured and strengthened by her hope in God (v. 5). See Psalm 42:5 (she would regularly preach this to herself).

Her hope is not in physical appearance or intelligence or sex appeal or any human feature. Her hope is wholly in God, that he will prove trustworthy in fulfilling all his promises to her.

Note well: she can fearlessly submit even to an unbelieving husband because he does not have the power to create or destroy her spiritual life. Only God does. No matter how he may treat her, nothing can separate her from the love of God in Christ.

5. Submission to an unbelieving husband is not to be motivated by fear or anxiety but by confidence in God. See v. 6b.

Fearlessness grows out of hope. If her confidence is in God, what can mere man do to her? Why should she fear anything or anyone or whatever the future may bring if her hope is grounded in who God is and what he has promised he would do for her?

See Proverbs 31:25. Her confidence in God’s sovereignty and her knowledge of his character and her trust in the certainty of his promises sustain and uphold her in the face of all threats and all opposition.